There is a magazine called ‘Bitch’, and as you have probably guessed, it’s run by a bunch of feminists who can, well, run an entire fucking magazine about sexism. As you have also probably guessed, the ads on their website look like this:
Well, Bitch claims that the word “bitch” is an offensive term that is used to describe “any woman who is strong, angry, uncompromising and, often, uninterested in pleasing men.” And that “we use it for the woman who has a better job than a man and doesn’t apologize for it.”
I says: “What a load of dog shit.” Sure, someone has a unique definition of the term (probably), just like someone uses “tool” for every man in skinny jeans (most definitely), but that doesn’t make it the true meaning. Their article even acknowledges that the Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the word as: “a malicious, spiteful, or domineering woman” (even though it actually says “overbearing”, not “domineering”, and there is a difference) and they go on to complain that someone used it for a different purpose. The fuck?
The point here is that there will be people who will defy sense to find this list offensive, but I will do my part, by stating that I’m not intending any such sexist connotations. I’ll be using that Merriam-Webster definition to list the top bitches in video games, which in my mind, is about as sexist to women as pointing out the bastards would be to men, as a gender.
6. Trish (InFamous)
If the rest of the ladies on this list did not try to kill you or weren’t racist assholes, this one would have been number one because Trish is possibly the least likable character here. Here’s why:
The game starts with the main protagonist, Cole MacGrath, going about delivering a package, when it up and explodes into a fucking lightning fireball, wiping out an entire city (this is why the post office asks if your packages are hazardous). For Cole, the worst piece of this news is that the explosion kills his girlfriend’s sister, ensuring that there is a massive bitch waiting for him, when he wakes up from his coma. She actually blames him for the incident, going as far as claim that “you owe all of us” and dumping his suffering, traumatized ass. When the guy pleads and swears that he didn’t know what was in the package, she says “I don’t want to hear it!”
Being a fictional character, Cole still loves Trish and wants her back, to the point that he does not hesitate to risk his life, helping her with a whole bunch of pretty fucking dangerous shit, despite being very freaked out that he keeps shooting lightning out of every orifice.
At one point, to help her and the entire fucking city, he runs around and shuts off a bunch of valves that are pumping some hellish diarrhea into the city’s water, while getting that crap in his eyes and passing out. Naturally, Trish nurses him back to health, agrees to reconcile and even apologizes for being so unreasonable. That is if she weren’t a total bitch. The only thing that is true about that sentence is that she agreed to put some eye drops in his eyes.
So, to recap: Cole finds out that Trish is in danger so he helps her and everyone else by risking his life, and possibly damaging himself in the process. In return, she gives him attitude because she has to take a second to clear his eyes and then says: “This is the last time I’m helping you…” What. The. Fuck?? The guy could have gone blind because he was helping you… you bitch!
5. Ashley Williams (Mass Effect)
I said that Trish was “possibly” the least likable character on the list because Ashley was also here. Perhaps, she is less spiteful but she is also a self-righteous, defensive, racist bitch. She makes it all clear enough in a private conversation with commander Shepard.
When referring to the non-human volunteers aboard Normandy, who are risking their lives just as she is, Ashley suggests that perhaps they should have a more limited access to the ship. For a second, it sounds like she might be making a point worth noting, until she says: “As much as you love your dog, it isn’t human. ” Shitty, huh? But it’s not even just the racism. I mean, who hasn’t said something retarded while shitfaced?
What’s actually worse is that she won’t even own up to it, immediately following up with “it’s not racism”, with a straight face… well, as straight as hers gets, anyway (seriously wtf is up with her eyes?) And if you think that she might have a valid reason, any doubt is easily erased, later on in the game. If you haven’t played the first Mass Effect, you should do so and try being a jerk to Wrex, to see what I mean.
If you have, then – SPOILER – think back to the scene,where Shepard orders Ashely to shoot Wrex. See any hesitation, regret or scorn for a fallen combat buddy there? You don’t just blast someone three times and stay jolly, unless you are a hateful bitch.
4. Elexis Sinclaire (Sin)
Before Crytek decided that it was uber cool to include “cry” in every word of the English language, there was a game called Sin, where a badass cop, with a questionable sense of style, single-handedly fights an evil company, called SinTek, owned by a sinister woman named Elexis Sinclaire, who takes prescription Silodosin. Okay, I made up that very last part but the rest is true and this Elexis person is a genius level scientist, like that guy with the gross feet, from X-Men: First Class; only, this one both a biochemist and a genetic engineer, who looks like this:
After becoming the head of SinTek, a massive multi-national biotechnology company, which manufactures pure evil, Miss Sinclaire decides that it’s the perfect time to start acting like an enormous bitch. She develops a mutagen called U4 and threatens to poison the city’s water. Why? Because she actually wants to steal nukes, as everyone thinks that she is trying to poison water. Why? Because she wants to fill the nukes with U4 and launch them all over the world!
Why? Well, the only possible explanation for such a needlessly complicated scheme can only be that she wanted to be that extra bit of a bitch. And seriously, the woman has it all: money, looks, smarts, a killer body and a job where she is free to wear plastic bathing suits, if she wants to, so what the fuck is her problem??
3. Catalina (Grand Theft Auto)
You’ll remember Catalina, from GTA III and San Andreas, as the most psychotic, unstable, obnoxious character in the GTA series. Considering that we’re talking about a game setting, where one kills at least five people on a quick run to a corner store, that’s saying a lot.
Indeed, this is one crazy bitch, whose bitch mode has been switched on, right before the knob broke. Sure, she is a criminal, and they tend to be like that, but when it comes to crime, she doesn’t just go for money and power through strategic murder and robberies; she fucks with absolutely everyone that she gets a chance to fuck with.
In San Andreas, she does nothing but make your life miserable, from the second you meet her, so I don’t even feel like I need to go into much detail here, as her reasons for being on this list appear immediately clear. Every mission involves mayhem and violence to a soundtrack of loud, non-stop bitching.
At times, it almost seems like she needs to get laid but she has no problems in that department. She makes the protagonist, CJ, into a boyfriend, before dumping him for no clear reason.
After the fact, she still manages to stay annoying. You get random calls from Catalina, while you are in the middle of a mission, just so she can taunt you and call you a dumbass, or even let you hear her getting it on with her new boyfriend. That new boyfriend, of course, is Claude, from GTA III, who she just up and shoots because he is “small time”.
2. A Tie
Two for the price of one! A double feature here. This entry packs a bit more testosterone than the rest, but only a bit: we’re talking about the Warrior Within (let’s just use that name) from the Prince of Persia series, and Raiden from Metal Gear Solid. We are not going to use the Merriam-Webster definition of the term “bitch” here; these two earn the title with the sheer amount and force of bitching they do, which in terms of their screen time is about 100%.
Yes, they are both capable of very stylishly kicking ridiculous amounts of ass, but hear us out here. Let’s take Raiden. The dude sure knows how to do air flips and could probably sneak in through the power outlet behind my couch and assassinate me without me even realizing it for weeks, but he would then go home, get into the fetal position and bitch about it for months.
The character is such a whiny bitch, in MGS 2, that there is literally almost nothing left of him, by the time he received his own spin off. Kojima Productions were so desperate to make him likable enough that they went all out: he suddenly became an almost completely robotic cyborg ninja, with futuristic ninja swords, who has lightning traveling up and down his body and whose eyes actually glow red… and he now looks like a mix between a sports car and a fighter jet. The only thing left is to install a speaker on his back that would loop the guitar riff from Rock You Like The Hurricane and substitute his voice box for a subwoofer. They did realize that it’s still Raiden though, so they decided to throw in a pair of high heels, at least.
The same story is with our Warrior Within. He is muscular, unshaven, brutal, he knows how to fight and he listens to heavy metal (admittedly, the really douchy variant), but if you put a bitch inside a well trained body, it will still be a bitch inside a well trained body.
First, there is the fact that he condemns about a hundred of his loyal men, on a boat trip to a certain death, and then brutally murders hundreds of creatures, doing their jobs, protecting the Island of Time from douchebags, just to save his own ass. Second, he cries throughout the entire experience, experiencing a mental breakdown, before every obstacle. I have not seen a character this depressed in movies about the Holocaust. It’s embarrassing really. So embarrassing in fact that Jordan Mechner, the maker of the original, said: “The story, character, dialog, voice acting, and visual style were not to my taste,” when talking about the game. Notice how all that could be easily paraphrased as “the protagonist is a too much of a bitch.”
1. GLaDOS (Portal)
GLaDOS is undoubtedly one of the greatest video game characters of all time. We almost feel bad calling her names because, let’s be straight here, she is fucking awesome. But that’s life. Even bitches can be awesome, sometimes, and there is no doubt that GLaDOS is one.
Need proof? Let’s go back to that Merriam-Webster definition, shall we?
Malicious: she is a villain so check. Not only does she put you in some pretty hazardous situations, she seems to be willing to kill you for pretty much any reason.
Spiteful: check. Despite being a robot, GLaDOS doesn’t simply execute tasks and eliminate failures, she is not above spitting back some venom when need be: ”It says so here in your personnel file: unlikeable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikeable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. ‘Shall not be mourned.’ That’s exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you were adopted.” Ouch!
Overbearing: considering that she thinks of you as a lab rat, this is a solid check.
Shit, now I feel bad.