10 Movies That Must Get Video Games

Most movie-based video games are like modern musicians – everyone, but the most clueless, knows that they blow. Sometimes, you’ve got to feel for the developers though. Imagine being tasked with creating an action game based on the movie Jaws, in a limited time. I mean, what the fuck are you supposed to do throughout the game? You would pretty much have no choice but to think up some really random shit that has nothing to do with the movie: pirates, evil sea creatures, PETA, Poseidon, etc.

Having said that, it’s quite retarded that someone insists on projects so unfit for a video game adaptation, while some of the most appropriate movies have been ignored. We have to put a spotlight on 10 films that would be incredibly difficult to fuck up, as developers wouldn’t have to deviate from the subject matter almost at all. Most of these have some kind of a mod or a homebrew demo associated with them but I’ve failed to find any proper related video games.

Note, after combing through my DVD collection, Netflix and Amazon Prime, I realized that there is an endless list of weird-ass movies that could probably make the cut, like Mummy Maniac, Anna in Kung Fu Land, and The Real Bruce Lee, starring Bruce Li and Dragon Lee (i.e. not the real Bruce Lee), so I will only include the well known titles here, more or less. Also note: there be spoilers!

10. Escape From New York/L.A.

Let’s start with the Escape series just because this shit needs to be mentioned as soon as possible. I have only been able to locate one Youtube video of something resembling a complete Escape game, but after watching the entire 2-and-a-half-minute campaign, where I witnessed things like Snake Plissken sporting green hair, I decided that it was some kind of a bad joke. The gaming world should be ashamed of itself.

By the way, if you haven’t seen the movies and “Snake Plissken” still sounds familiar, that’s because Hideo Kojima’s Metal Gear series has enough Escape references to qualify him as a fanboy, but you all knew that… right? In Hideo’s own words, when he saw Escape From New York, he thought “How could such a cool movie exist!” This explains why he made everyone look like they could be related to this man:

“Call me Snake’,” he said, sounding like a man executing a bicep curl. It was his real voice. Bitch.

If anyone is worthy of such an honor it’s this particular Snake, as he is about as badass as they come, as demonstrated below:

What has been seen…

Look at the expression on that dude’s face. He has a fucking blade stuck in his forehead, courtesy of Mr Plissken, but his expression lets us know that his last thoughts are clearly: “What the fuck was that?!” You see, that’s how Snake fucking does it. No character in the entire movie, or its’ sequel, can even keep a straight face, when catching a glimpse of Snake in action…

That’s goddamn right, Buscemi, you better blieve that shit.

Can’t fault Buscemi for shitting himself right then and there because what he is looking at is this

You know something is epic when no one would believe that it’s even in a movie.

Look close. That isn’t a car spraying water; that is Snake surfing an impossible (for the rest of us) wave, catching up to Steve Buscemi, whom he will own momentarily. If the second movie could be incorporated into an Escape game, there would be no end to gameplay possibilities as it lets us know that there is literally nothing the man cannot do. Hell, at one point, he has to play basketball, for his life!

I mean… for those guards’ lives.

Even though we all prefer the tone of the first movie, Snake is still the perfect video game protagonist, and prison-city New York (in particular) is an excellent setting. A slower-paced action game, with a bit of exploration is all that is needed for something awesome here. Get Snake right and he will take care of the rest. Just remember that when Walt Disney died, he wrote “Kurt Russell” on a piece of napkin so do take this seriously.

 

9. Kill Bill

Of all Quentin Tarantino films, someone has decided to make a game based on Reservoir Dogs, which was a movie about a bunch of  guys hanging out in a warehouse. As much as I love that movie, seriously, what’s next? The King’s Speech – The Game? How did that movie get one and Kill Bill?

For those who don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about, Kill Bill is one of the better revenge flicks out there. It stars Uma Thurman, as a rather likable character, who violently murders close to a hundred people by the time she is done making things right. And I know what you’re thinking, but this is one female protagonist who is actually believable in that quest, as her ass kicking abilities are not a direct result of a large bust size or a leather outfit; she has suffered for it and earned it, and so have they…

Pictured: them, earning it.

The movie spends no time fucking around and starts with our heroine getting so fucked over that they couldn’t show it in color. Perfect, as this immediately creates a conflict to get things going.

And there is even a combat tutorial!

Of course, a conflict is only a reason to bust heads. In video games, the process of busting heads itself is what’s important. Well, Kill Bill has that part covered:

More like Kill Bill, Also.

One wouldn’t have to think hard to squeeze in some gore-y action or things to annihilate into a Kill Bill game. The movie is filled with that stuff already: everything from sword fights to hand-to-hand…

…with finishing movies…

…and bosses.

There is even a very smooth build up to the more difficult fights, with a potential weapon system to soften the progression.

Admit it, you wanted her to try all of them.

And it wouldn’t have to be non-stop sword action, with rooms after rooms of masked enemies. There could be some awesome sequences to break up the gameplay:

Among other things.

It’s almost like this movie should have been a video game, instead! Sure, it wouldn’t be the most unique game out there but it could certainly stand out for its’ style, and consider also that the writing, the dialogues and the characters would be done by Quentin Tarantino! That alone could ensure a level of quality in the story department. If he could also be tasked with selecting the music, this thing could be what Wet was hoping to emulate, only done right.

 

8. The 13th Warrior

Most of you are wondering what the fuck The 13th Warrior is, since it is one of the biggest financial flops in movie history. But what if I told you that this here is a $160 million movie about Vikings, that you haven’t seen, directed by the guy who made Die Hard and the Predator? And you know what else? It’s fucking brilliant!

Sure, there are some clear signs of forced reedits that beg for a Director’s Cut, which will never happen thanks to you, but even so, we got something ridiculously badass on our hands, oozing with just the right tone – a tone perfect for a video game!

The titular 13th warrior is Antonio Banderas, who is an Arab (don’t laugh, he has Arab roots, according to him), who joins a group of twelve Norsemen, on a quest to investigate a series of grizzly (pun, if you’ve seen it) attacks on a remote village, by a mysterious evil.

That right there is what would make this a great game, as it’s not just a bunch of swordsmen slashing through hordes of foes; imagine spending the time to explore, investigate, try to figure out just what the fuck it is you’re up against.

A clue? A turd? Both?

We need a game, where we get to do some detective work in the dark, brooding setting of the mythical Viking Ages, using the various awesome skills of a badass group of… badasses. When the combat does need to happen, those skills could also create a pretty awesome dynamic:

You’ve got a tank…

…umm… another tank…

… a stealthy assassin…

…an archer so deadly, he warns Banderas to not even get into his line of sight!

There is even a guy who can locate land by shouting. Or something. The 13 warriors are like your regular Swiss Army knife. Don’t you worry though, when it comes to brutal blade-to-limb action, there is plenty of that as well.

Advance toward me, brother!

There are even some sequences, where they have to prepare a village and set up a perimeter for an incoming horde, a la tower defense!

And there is plenty of horde to be had.

Of course, the fact that the movie bombed doesn’t bode well for a game, at some point, but there are is a wealth of goods for someone looking to get inspired to make an epic game. All they’d need is to work out the various solid mechanics and pace the thing. Perhaps there is a fan out there, who could hopefully get people to take another look at this story.

7. The Game

Can you picture it already? The Game – The Game. How has this not happened yet? The world is out of its’ fucking mind. But let’s back up for a second and do a refresher.

The Game is a movie by David Fincher, starring Michael Douglas, who is a wealthy dick that finds himself playing a real life adventure RPG… not exactly willingly. Basically, his life becomes a living hell, when a bunch of people start trolling the fuck out of him left and right, with all sorts of creepy shit.

You don’t just put a doll like that in a movie and not have it scare the shit out of the audience.

Nicholas (Douglas) is persuaded to call up a mysterious phone number, by his brother, who looks like this:

Looks like a guy who can give a bitchin’ advice.

For the rest of the movie, that decision has our hero looking like this:

“‘Try the beans,’ he said!”

Finally, the man ends up getting desperate, to the point of this:

“Do you feel lucky? ‘Cause my THAC0 is 5!” (a little D&D joke)

So, are you thinking what I’m thinking? You are if you’re thinking that this could be a kick ass adventure game, like a mix of Syberia, Longest Journey and Walking Dead. All the ingredients are there: a mysterious and gripping backdrop, endless puzzles and situations that require clever solutions, even a little action! Hell, you even get to use random trinkets that you find to advance and save yourself:

Yes, most of the movie takes place in a car.

How cool would it be to try to figure out who is fucking with you, while barely escape one deadly close call after another? It would be interesting to not play inside a world but to have the world play you and try to kill you, for once! If done right, this could be one of the best adventure games ever made!

 

6. Shaolin Soccer

Shaolin Soccer is a pretty fun action comedy from Stephen Chow, the director of Kung Fu Hustle. Although the movie is Chinese, it has actually appeared in North American theaters, for a spell, so I don’t believe that this entry is very obscure.

If you have seen this film, I don’t need to explain why there needs to be a Shaolin Soccer video game. If you have not, then imagine a soccer game, where the act of soccer looks like this:

Hax!

In a video game form, it’s what we should have had instead of the utterly pointless Fifa Street, which is almost the same as playing a video game about playing a video game of soccer. Shaolin Soccer is the kind of stuff you don’t get to see outside your window:

“Sorry about that window… and house.”

Come to think of it, combining martial arts with team sports into a video game should have been priority number one for the industry. What’s more though is that Shaolin Soccer actually lends itself to a smooth story mode progression, where you start out with a bunch of noobs:

The muscle.

The team gets to discover its’ strengths and abilities, struggling against other weak teams at first, before uncovering things like this:

The roasted turkey style.

…and handling the other noobs like so:

The gangham style.

Eventually, you get to face the boss…

He might be using steroids.

…where the team would need to be tight, inspired and expert with abilities like these:

That’s a soccer ball, when kicked right.

Again, this is a movie, not a video game! I feel like I should repeat that because I wouldn’t have believed it if I didn’t see it with my own two eyes. This needs to be rectified right the fuck now!

PART 2

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