Search Results For “sinclaire”

Top 7 Trash Talk References in Video Games

trashtalk

AlienLion.com rap album cover.

 

 

If rap has taught us anything it’s that people love beef (unless they’re hindus or something), especially when it’s between two or more publicly recognized entities. So how about a list of some outstanding or notable cases of trash talk in video games? Here we go:

 

#7. Valve is a SiN

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We mentioned SiN when we were calling game characters bitches. It’s actually a rather decent first person shooter, which came out in 1998, about a month before Valve’s Half-Life. That last part was not a coincidence. The story is that Ritual Entertainment rushed their game’s development to beat Valve to the punch. SiN was reportedly billed as the “Half-Life killer” and dropped prematurely, with enough bugs to rival the Starship Troopers. I don’t think that Ritual was too thrilled about that fact because…

 

sinhatesvalve

A SiN screen. If it ‘s yours, do let us know.

 

Since that’s almost like writing “do not press this button” right next to a button, most gamers went ahead and messed with the valve, causing it to explode, painfully. Clever! Unfortunately (or not), it looks like Valve had the last laugh, as Ritual Entertainment ended up selling their games on Steam and even working on some titles for Valve (Counter Strike). Don’t you hurry to assume that all of this means the two have since become BFF’s. A user at the Ritual forums, named bebeDesigner, has found an interesting line of code in Counter Strike: Condition Zero (which Ritual worked on):

 

as

Nevermind if that last line is legitimate programming code (what does it do?)

 

#6. Dead Assassin of Kings

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This one is a bit more innocent but I like it because it’s actually funny, as it makes fun of one of the more ridiculous elements of a game – Assassin’s Creed’s ‘leap of faith’. We are led to believe that being a badass assassin means that you can learn to climb a skyscraper and go ass-first into a foot tall pile of hay, aaand walk away in one living and breathing piece. The makers of Witcher 2, CD Projekt RED, beg to disagree. According to them, what would really happen looks like this:

 

witcher

There must have been an atheist in their midst.

 

It’s one of the better known ‘easter eggs’ in Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings, and it’s often described as an instance where Altair misses a hay stack. While such a fatal blunder would be embarrassing too, as you can see, that is not actually what happens. His feet are clearly on target; this little reference is more of a note that attempting one of those leaps would be an incredibly stupid thing to do. Since you can read, you don’t need to be reminded of this but it’s still good to see how the whole Assassin’s Creed saga should have realistically ended.

 

#5. Battle of Spies

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This one is in the same vein but does not seem to be as well known or remembered. The last act of Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory, titled Kokubo Sosho (which means “delicious sushi” (just a guess)), has Sam Fisher crawling around some… wait for it… dark interiors. After passing a whole bunch of darkness and escalators, he comes upon a group of guards, carrying some Sticky Shockers (no time to explain, just go with it). If Sam decides to interrogate one of them, he gets to learn a thing about the way the weapon works via a series of smartass remarks:

 

sam

Believe it or not, that’s what’s happening up there.

 

Sam notes that the dude is “awfully flippant for someone who has a knife to his throat,” and we all note that we might have a potential Coke-vs-Pepsi style battle on our hands. Bring it on, I say.

 

#4. 2 VS 2

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Do you hate Call of Duty? Of course you do, even if you play that shit 24/7. After all, it’s one of the most successful video game franchises in existence; hating it is pretty much a requirement, if you want to stand out in an Internet crowd (maybe not anymore). Anyway, chances are that you will find the following video very gratifying to watch:

There is probably a handful of human beings who would not get the references. If you are one of them, he is talking about the Modern Warfare games. Get it?

 

#3. Nintendo Trashes Sonic

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Before Sega turned the Mega Drive into a damn ‘lego’ with all those massive add-ons, things looked promising. They sold somewhere between 29 and 39 million units (just keep reading, it’s not my fault the reports vary so much), which got dangerously close to SNES numbers, they had great exclusives, a badass name and a cool mascot… for the time. Clearly, there were reasons for Nintendo to worry and despite Sega.

 

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Talking… trash

 

Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest (wait a minute, that’s another pun!) ranks participants for Cranky’s contest and it always shows that junk next to the trash can. If you look close enough, you will recognize Sonic’s red shoes, and for some reason, Earthworm Jim’s gun. I don’t mind the shoes so much but Jim? I do not approve.

 

#2. Duke Nukem in Blood

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For whatever reason, the whole in-game trash talk crossover thing was very popular in the early 90′s first person shooters. Lara Croft had raided her last tomb in Shadow Warriorthe Doom guy got… doomed in Duke Nukem 3D, and Duke himself appeared in a game called Blood. That last one has always been my favorite:

 

 

What makes this one special is not that you find another character killed or captured by an in-game foe;  it’s that you get to contribute without breaking character. I cannot think of anyone else who could pull off “Shake it, baby!” while stabbing someone with a hay fork, quite like Caleb. He is the most likable evil son of a bitch ever conceived, and that voice is pure torture, in a good way, if you’re into that kind of thing.

#1. Grand Theft Auto

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Given that this is one of the most popular games in existence, every easter egg and reference within is probably considered old and known by all, so let’s do a few to maximize our chances of not wasting your time entirely.

In Grand Theft Auto III, Rockstar introduced a minor character, named Tanner. Tanner is an undercover cop, who sports a female pedestrian’s running animation and drives a gray Gran-Torino-looking obscure automobile. This previous sentence describes the protagonist of the Driver series. Reflections Interactive agreed and retaliated with this:

 

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In the spirit of GTA, this image is stolen.

 

Timmy Vermicelli is a hidden character (or rather characterS) in Driv3r, clad in Hawaiian shirts and waterwings, because the game he is a reference to features the type of video game water that kills you on contact. But none of this matters because Driv3r sucked ass. The fun part is that Rockstar responded with another diss in GTA: San Andreas:

 

gta3

TV is blank. Yep, Driv3r is next.

 

The above happens at Madd Dogg’s mansion. As you can see, a guy plays a particularly shitty video game and rips on “Refractions”, which is a clear reference to Reflections Ineractive. It becomes even more clear after the next line: “Tanner, you suck ass!”

While they were at it, they responded to another competitor, True Crime. After Luxoflux inserted a bunch of billboards into Streets of LA, implying that Rockstar were in the business of manufacturing jockstraps, San Andreas displayed the following billboards:

 

gtacrime

Hehe… True Grime.

 

I don’t even like GTA that much but ain’t nobody got shit on Rockstar when it comes to open world urban sandbox, as they let everyone know via a tomb stone that exists in San Andreas:

 

rip

 

PS: Duke Nukem Forever

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Everyone knows that Duke Nukem Forever has a whole bunch of references to other games. Some of them are actually funny but I just couldn’t bring myself to include any. While the game was not the worst, it making fun of those other games was a bit like Fall Out Boy dissing Led Zeppelin. It just has a bad taste to it. Plus, Duke Nukem Forever never happened.

6 Biggest Bitches in Video Games

There is a magazine called ‘Bitch’, and as you have probably guessed, it’s run by a bunch of feminists who can, well, run an entire fucking magazine about sexism. As you have also probably guessed, the ads on their website look like this:

Girl power?

 

Well, Bitch claims that the word “bitch” is an offensive term that is used to describe “any woman who is strong, angry, uncompromising and, often, uninterested in pleasing men.” And that “we use it for the woman who has a better job than a man and doesn’t apologize for it.”

I says: “What a load of dog shit.” Sure, someone has a unique definition of the term (probably), just like someone uses “tool” for every man in skinny jeans (most definitely), but that doesn’t make it the true meaning. Their article even acknowledges that the Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the word as: “a malicious, spiteful, or domineering woman” (even though it actually says “overbearing”, not “domineering”, and there is a difference) and they go on to complain that someone used it for a different purpose. The fuck?

The point here is that there will be people who will defy sense to find this list offensive, but I will do my part, by stating that I’m not intending any such sexist connotations. I’ll be using that Merriam-Webster definition to list the top bitches in video games, which in my mind, is about as sexist to women as pointing out the bastards would be to men, as a gender.

6. Trish (InFamous)

 

If the rest of the ladies on this list did not try to kill you or weren’t racist assholes, this one would have been number one because Trish is possibly the least likable character here. Here’s why:

The game starts with the main protagonist, Cole MacGrath, going about delivering a package, when it up and explodes into a fucking lightning fireball, wiping out an entire city (this is why the post office asks if your packages are hazardous). For Cole, the worst piece of this news is that the explosion kills his girlfriend’s sister, ensuring that there is a massive bitch waiting for him, when he wakes up from his coma. She actually blames him for the incident, going as far as claim that “you owe all of us” and dumping his suffering, traumatized ass. When the guy pleads and swears that he didn’t know what was in the package, she says “I don’t want to hear it!”

The bitch can’t even take a  fucking compliment.

Being a fictional character, Cole still loves Trish and wants her back, to the point that he does not hesitate to risk his life, helping her with a whole bunch of pretty fucking dangerous shit, despite being very freaked out that he keeps shooting lightning out of every orifice.

At one point, to help her and the entire fucking city, he runs around and shuts off a bunch of valves that are pumping some hellish diarrhea into the city’s water, while getting that crap in his eyes and passing out. Naturally, Trish nurses him back to health, agrees to reconcile and even apologizes for being so unreasonable. That is if she weren’t a total bitch. The only thing that is true about that sentence is that she agreed to put some eye drops in his eyes.

It could have been mace, actually.

So, to recap: Cole finds out that Trish is in danger so he helps her and everyone else by risking his life, and possibly damaging himself in the process. In return, she gives him attitude because she has to take a second to clear his eyes and then says: “This is the last time I’m helping you…” What. The. Fuck?? The guy could have gone blind because he was helping you… you bitch!

 

5. Ashley Williams (Mass Effect)

 

I said that Trish was “possibly” the least likable character on the list because Ashley was also here. Perhaps, she is less spiteful but she is also a self-righteous, defensive, racist bitch. She makes it all clear enough in a private conversation with commander Shepard.

When referring to the non-human volunteers aboard Normandy, who are risking their lives just as she is, Ashley suggests that perhaps they should have a more limited access to the ship. For a second, it  sounds like she might be making a point worth noting, until she says: “As much as you love your dog, it isn’t human. ” Shitty, huh? But it’s not even just the racism. I mean, who hasn’t said something retarded while shitfaced?

“Sheepard, I hath an opinonion!”

What’s actually worse is that she won’t even own up to it, immediately following up with “it’s not racism”, with a straight face… well, as straight as hers gets, anyway (seriously wtf is up with her eyes?) And if you think that she might have a valid reason, any doubt is easily erased, later on in the game. If you haven’t played the first Mass Effect, you should do so and try being a jerk to Wrex, to see what I mean.

“For the last time, Shepard, that’s a scar; not a coin slot!”

If you have, then – SPOILER – think back to the scene,where Shepard orders Ashely to shoot Wrex. See any hesitation, regret or scorn for a fallen combat buddy there? You don’t just blast someone three times and stay jolly, unless you are a hateful bitch.

 

4. Elexis Sinclaire (Sin)

 

Before Crytek decided that it was uber cool to include “cry” in every word of the English language, there was a game called Sin, where a badass cop, with a questionable sense of style, single-handedly fights an evil company, called SinTek, owned by a sinister woman named Elexis Sinclaire, who takes prescription Silodosin. Okay, I made up that very last part but the rest is true and this Elexis person is a genius level scientist, like that guy with the gross feet, from X-Men: First Class; only, this one both a biochemist and a genetic engineer, who looks like this:

The look that says “I am ready to do science.”

After becoming the head of SinTek, a massive multi-national biotechnology company, which manufactures pure evil, Miss Sinclaire decides that it’s the perfect time to start acting like an enormous bitch. She develops a mutagen called U4 and threatens to poison the city’s water. Why? Because she actually wants to steal nukes, as everyone thinks that she is trying to poison water. Why? Because she wants to fill the nukes with U4 and launch them all over the world!

“Yeap… video games.”

Why? Well, the only possible explanation for such a needlessly complicated scheme can only be that she wanted to be that extra bit of a bitch.  And seriously, the woman has it all: money, looks, smarts, a killer body and a job where she is free to wear plastic bathing suits, if she wants to, so what the fuck is her problem??

3. Catalina (Grand Theft Auto)

You’ll remember Catalina, from GTA III and San Andreas, as the most psychotic, unstable, obnoxious character in the GTA series. Considering that we’re talking about a game setting, where one kills at least five people on a quick run to a corner store, that’s saying a lot.

Indeed, this is one crazy bitch, whose bitch mode has been switched on, right before the knob broke. Sure, she is a criminal, and they tend to be like that, but when it comes to crime, she doesn’t just go for money and power through strategic murder and robberies; she fucks with absolutely everyone that she gets a chance to fuck with.

Correct.

In San Andreas, she does nothing but make your life miserable, from the second you meet her, so I don’t even feel like I need to go into much detail here, as her reasons for being on this list appear immediately clear. Every mission involves mayhem and violence to a soundtrack of loud, non-stop bitching.

At times, it almost seems like she needs to get laid but she has no problems in that department. She makes the protagonist, CJ, into a boyfriend, before dumping him for no clear reason.

It wasn’t the greatest relationship anyway.

After the fact, she still manages to stay annoying. You get random calls from Catalina, while you are in the middle of a mission, just so she can taunt you and call you a dumbass, or even let you hear her getting it on with her new boyfriend. That new boyfriend, of course, is Claude, from GTA III, who she just up and shoots because he is “small time”.

2. A Tie

Two for the price of one! A double feature here. This entry packs a bit more testosterone than the rest, but only a bit: we’re talking about the Warrior Within (let’s just use that name) from the Prince of Persia series, and Raiden from Metal Gear Solid. We are not going to use the Merriam-Webster definition of the term “bitch” here; these two earn the title with the sheer amount and force of bitching they do, which in terms of their screen time is about 100%.

Yes, they are both capable of very stylishly kicking ridiculous amounts of ass, but hear us out here. Let’s take Raiden. The dude sure knows how to do air flips and could probably sneak in through the power outlet behind my couch and assassinate me without me even realizing it for weeks, but he would then go home, get into the fetal position and bitch about it for months.

Aww, that’s cute. Unless it’s Raiden talking… which it is…

The character is such a whiny bitch, in MGS 2, that there is literally almost nothing left of him, by the time he received his own spin off. Kojima Productions were so desperate to make him likable enough that they went all out: he suddenly became an almost completely robotic cyborg ninja, with futuristic ninja swords, who has lightning traveling up and down his body and whose eyes actually glow red… and he now looks like a mix between a sports car and a fighter jet. The only thing left is to install a speaker on his back that would loop the guitar riff from Rock You Like The Hurricane and substitute his voice box for a subwoofer. They did realize that it’s still Raiden though, so they decided to throw in a pair of high heels, at least.

The same story is with our Warrior Within. He is muscular, unshaven, brutal, he knows how to fight and he listens to heavy metal (admittedly, the really douchy variant), but if you put a bitch inside a well trained body, it will still be a bitch inside a well trained body.

A far more accurate cover for the game.

First, there is the fact that he condemns about a hundred of his loyal men, on a boat trip to a certain death, and then brutally murders hundreds of creatures, doing their jobs, protecting the Island of Time from douchebags, just to save his own ass. Second, he cries throughout the entire experience, experiencing a mental breakdown, before every obstacle. I have not seen a character this depressed in movies about the Holocaust. It’s embarrassing really. So embarrassing in fact that Jordan Mechner, the maker of the original, said: “The story, character, dialog, voice acting, and visual style were not to my taste,” when talking about the game. Notice how all that could be easily paraphrased as “the protagonist is a too much of a bitch.”

 

1. GLaDOS (Portal)

GLaDOS is undoubtedly one of the greatest video game characters of all time. We almost feel bad calling her names because, let’s be straight here, she is fucking awesome. But that’s life. Even bitches can be awesome, sometimes, and there is no doubt that GLaDOS is one.

Need proof? Let’s go back to that Merriam-Webster definition, shall we?

Malicious: she is a villain so check. Not only does she put you in some pretty hazardous situations, she seems to be willing to kill you for pretty much any reason.

Two possibilities here: death by crushing or death by testing.

Spiteful: check. Despite being a robot, GLaDOS doesn’t simply execute tasks and eliminate failures, she is not above spitting back some venom when need be:  ”It says so here in your personnel file: unlikeable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikeable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. ‘Shall not be mourned.’ That’s exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you were adopted.” Ouch!

Overbearing: considering that she thinks of you as a lab rat, this is a solid check.

Shit, now I feel bad.

Sorry (((((