In truth, our fashion sense is eternally dictated by the laundry situation, so you know, we’re no Vogue, but we do have eyes and there often comes a point in fashion when that makes all the difference:
Lucky for us, when it comes to video games, the same person who designs characters’ dresses also designs the same game’s chainsaw bloodhammers, so we might be qualified to talk some shit here. That’s not to say that some examples of video game fashion aren’t completely legit, but we’ll just take a look at the ones from recent(-ish) memory that have even us (!) scratching our heads. It’s more fun that way.
6. Deus Ex
You’ve already recognized Deus Ex up there, of course, so let’s just pick that up. And before we do anything else, we are morally obligated to acknowledge what a bad decision (fashion and otherwise) it is to have sunglasses implanted into your face. Seriously, if that is ever an option, don’t do that. For one, just remember what people thought looked cool back in the 80’s and what they think of that now.
And why even? From what I understand, those futuristic face-shades don’t serve any practical purpose, since Adam’s (that guy up there) eyeballs already do all the Google Glass shit. So are there really situations where reaching into your pocket and putting your shades on is just not sudden enough? Is doing that so much of a chore that you’d sacrifice having two extra goddamn eyebrows on your face? In that case, may I offer a less drastic measure?
And why the fuck would you don shades at night, in combination with a long black coat in the first place? It’s probably not a good idea to dress like you are up to something when you are indeed up to something, but whatever, maybe looking like a flasher is a job requirement for a security manager of the future.
If you pay attention, these nonsensical outfit accessories have actually become a thing for Deus Ex lately. Like, look a this guy.
Someone got really carried away with triangles there, but also, just what the fuck could be the point of that heavy ass metallic CD rack across the guy’s chest? No, really. I’d like for either the game or logic to provide some explanation for things like that, when someone opts to include them.
5. The Witcher
I’m not saying that the developers did a bad job here. The world of the Witcher is meant to be grim, nasty and foul, and what’s more all of those things than dudes in tights and short shorts? Like any powerful thing, those two can either be used for good or for evil, and CD Project RED took no prisoners here.
But the headgear situation (let’s call it that) isn’t much better. There just isn’t a single example of a decent head piece in the entire game and the most confusing element of the Witcher games is how everyone wears them like there isn’t a damn weird thing going on.
Even Geralt himself dons a fucking nightcap… a fucking nightcap… and carries on acting like a badass. Though he might just feel comfortable next to this guy.
Seriously. What is that? It looks like the guy started taking off a shirt, got his head stuck in the neck hole and just said “fuck it.” Come on, under no circumstances is that thing a hat. I can’t be the only one thinking this!
4. Stylized Japanese Characters
If this list included every game that does this separately, it would never end, so even though I will mostly use Final Fantasy as an example, this entry is more about this specific style itself.
It’s not necessarily anime, or rather it doesn’t have to be. Picture a being of debatable gender who looks like it covered itself in Krazy Glue and cartwheeled through Spencer’s Gifts. That’s almost it.
And you know what? I don’t actually have a problem with it. Personally, I can’t relate to something which looks like a damn key chain, but it’s a Japanese thing and I can respect that. Having a colorful, crazy looking character can potentially help set a more fantastical tone to a game’s setting, even.
Things get a special sort of disastrous though, when someone decides to get a little too creative with that style…
Yes that is supposedly a dude and the very reason why your mamma told you not to sit too close to TV. It’s Kuja, from Final Fantasy IX, and this is Vaan from XII:
When an artist starts trying to infuse that style with something else, be it some sort of “sexy” weirdness (see above), or some Western flair, or a touch of “realism”, the results are rarely pleasant, as evidenced yet again by the latest Final Fantasy screen here:
Plenty has been said about this group already. I understand that they are supposed to be mafia and that they are wearing black because it’s the color of Lucis (some boy band or something), but the fact remains that this more subtle realistic tone (on top of regular FF style) pulls these fancy dudes out of an otherworldly fantasy. They look like a bunch of dudes who could be standing/dancing outside your window right now, after having spent entirely too much time on their hair and overdoing it just enough with their outfits to look hilarious. Ironically, dialing down on the craziness made them more ridiculous, and not in a good way.
3. Alpha Protocol
I hate to criticize this game because I genuinely consider it highly underrated but flaws are flaws. Weird animations are a flaw, a broken stealth system is a flaw, and this is a flaw:
Let’s start with the guy on the left, to ease into this shit. Keep in mind now that he is the game’s evil rich guy, so you know, it’s not like he has to wear that mustard rainbow under his blazer, and well, just pay attention to that shit for a second… I’m not even trying to be picky here, unless that shirt is made of solid gold, is it not the most ridiculous choice of color possible?
Now, let’s look to the right, on the same image. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why there is what looks like random blotches of bubble wrap on the guy’s uniform. It’s so in-your-face, in fact, that there almost has to be a point to it but I could never find out what it was (let me know if you do).
Yes, that’s the game’s protagonist and he can change clothes but there aren’t too many better choices, I promise you. Oh, and if you just clicked on this link, you know we have to talk about this:
Ever seen a badass Ronald Mcdonald? Now you have. Wow. Could they not match ANYTHING in his outfit? How do you fuck someone over with a clear death-sentence camo, designed after the bullseye, and then hand them a yellow gun to boot? I cannot remember the color of this guy’s shoes but I have to say that I’m tempted to find out.
2. Prince of Persia
The Prince of Persia series oozes style, though it has had a few missteps.
Random, inexplicable ass. It’s possibly universal, especially when it comes to video games. And again, if I rounded up every occurrence of a metal thong in video games, I’d… probably have a pretty fun time doing that, but it would take an eternity. So let’s move on to a later game in the franchise.
You remember the one from 2008? It wasn’t the best Prince of Persia title but boy did it look gorgeous. I don’t know what the artists were on during development but I’d like it in form of eye drops. There was just one ugly side effect:
Take a good long look. Notice the ‘ripped’ sleeves and that plunging v-neck, showcasing those glamour muscles, and that one-piece fusion of the two douchiest accessories known to man, all in one: a summer scarf and a bandanna.
And no, that is not a turban. Even when tied in a similar way, a turban does not look like the person rode a horse through a laundry line. It also isn’t for pulling your hair back, speaking of which…
Yeah, that’s either spikes or dreads and I don’t know what’s worse, considering the context there. I imagine that the omission of tribal tattoos and elaborate facial hair was a last minute decision and a heated debate at Ubisoft.
Try to tell me that guy wouldn’t fit right in with this bunch:
It’s quite puzzling, considering that the game’s supporting character, Elika, was pretty cool (visually and otherwise). Hell, even her father seemed more likable, even though he looked like a mix between some sort of a fabulous pirate rapper and Mr T.
1. Dance Central and Every Other Dancing Game