In all the recent outgushing of gaming news, Nintendo has remained as relevant as a pair of testicles on one of those Justin-Bieber-looking kids on Instagram. You couldn’t even tell they had a relatively new console out, which is quite crazy. I mean, it’s the freaking Nintendo! The name alone is synonymous with gaming. Everyone knows at least one other person who calls any game console “a Nintendo”, sort of like every machine gun is an “AK-47” to most thugs you meet online. If you think about it, this company is supposed to have massive mean Illuminati business balls that own the enormous chunk of the industry they occupy. So, let’s take a closer look and remind ourselves, hopefully, that it is actually the case!
6. They Used Prison Labor
I bet that very few people in the American prison industry have ever said “crime doesn’t pay.” While there is certainly little upside for you to getting locked in a slammer with a bunch of rugged dudes, somebody that’s not you does get paid quite a shitload because of it. You see, a prison is a very cheap workforce, with no normal human employment hassles like sick days, vacations, compensations, strikes, unemployment insurance, or even minimum wage (in most cases). That kind of a business opportunity could even rival outsourcing to China!
Nintendo agrees, or it has once. A former inhabitant of a particularly creepy-sounding prison called Twin Rivers, which houses mentally ill inmates, high- security felons, and participants in the Washington state’s Sex Offender Treatment Program, says that none other than Nintendo was one of its’ big clients. “With Nintendo, we would do all their overflow—everything from Game Boys to Super Mario Bros. and Donkey Kong,” he claims. In other words, all that cutesy, cuddly stuff you give to your kids was packaged and handled by a dude who might have been getting off on the very idea.
Now, sure, while many feel that this setup is basically slave labor, you can argue that making use of this situation is providing some (if shitty) jobs to inmates but the business is still quite shady. Consider how all the investment into this prison labor setup could potentially incentivize imprisonment. I mean, US prison population now comprises a quarter of prisoners of the entire world! In America, 1 in 100 fucking people are locked up. I mean… what’s that all about?
5. They Dabbled in Business of Love
Believe it or not, Nintendo had existed long before the Wii. Long before television, too. The company was established in 1889, which makes it over a goddamn century old. That’s not to say that they’ve always been the same company, making consoles and supplying endless MEME GIF material. Before feeling the back of the TV set for interesting holes, they had dabbled in a number of things, from a variety of playing cards to a little trade called “love hotels”.
image by Joel de Courcy Browne
Before you get too excited though, it’s not quite what it sounds like. Don’t get me wrong, the purpose of the hotels was exactly what you think it was – a creepy and gross hourly room rental for very specific nasty purposes – but the bang space was supposedly all that was supplied. In other words, even back in the 60’s, Nintendo firmly believed in their customers’ abilities to secure company into the same room all by themselves. Sure, this is not as evil as the title suggests but let me just remind you that this is fucking Nintendo. They are the makers of the cute mushrooms, not quickie solutions… right?
4. They Punked Sony
Few fanboys are seemingly aware of the fact that Playstation started off as a Nintendo console. Before gaming was just a glint in Sony’s innocent eye, Nintendo was already huge, badass and full of bad ideas. One of them was to approach Sony to work on a CD addon for SNES. Being the eager younger brother (Sony is about 50 years younger and smaller than Nintendo), Sony agreed and went on to propose a standalone console that would play both SNES cartridges and CD’s.
image by Wiki
That thing was called Play Station and it carried with it a contract that would have handed over some significant control to Sony. Understandably, Nintendo thought on it some more and decided that it was all a bad idea, but in a truly douchey fashion, they acted on this discovery in complete secret. As Sony told their girlfriends to watch CES for a big deal partnership announcement, Nintendo’s chairman, Howard Lincoln, stepped onto the stage and let everyone know that they had struck an evil alliance with Philips instead, while Sony was to fuck off. They then filed a lawsuit to prevent Sony from launching Play Station themselves. Shitty.
3. They Were Control Freaks
If you think that console makers are being unreasonable tightwads (like we do), then you were never a developer during the NES days. Sure, it was a much simpler time, when you could slap together a piece of shit the size of half a megabyte and be done with your AAA offering, but first, consider the fact that Nintendo censored absolutely everything for any reason. I mean, they would censor shit that made absolutely no sense.
Now, while keeping that in mind, absorb this one: Nintendo blocked unlicensed games from NES. In other words, they had to approve every third-party game for it to appear on NES. Finally, get this: aaand the games that they did approve had to remain exclusive to NES for at least two years. Holy damn! In terms of today’s measure of gaming douchery, that’s basically extorting exclusivity. Can you imagine finding this out about some company today?
2. They Could Be Watching You
Nintendo might be pure evil, watching you play them games all evil-like. Now, we have no proof here but they have put some odd references and easter eggs into their games. Most of them are strangely hard to notice and nearly impossible to explain, like the very creepy Totaka’s song, hidden in a whole bunch of Nintendo games, for example. What’s most disturbing though is how a lot of their hidden messages have the “you are being watched” theme.
The creepy music in that there scene is not helping and might have reminded you of another creepy moment in another game – Mario 64:
It looks like the brain might actually be visible in Mario Galaxy, if you squint hard enough.
Interestingly, if you have the know-how to sift through the game’s coding, you will find that these three scary alien things are titled “HellValleySkyTree” and if you have the knowhow to break free of Mario’s first person view and float up to the figures, they disappear…
But of course, it could be Nintendo having fun. I mean, all they did was hide a couple of creepy eyes and a couple of alien ghosts in creepy hidden places. It doesn’t make them evil. Unless…
1. They Told Us They Were Evil
Are you still not convinced? Then make sure that you don’t need any sleep tonight and then watch this video…