Previously, we’ve looked at some really pointless celebrity involvements with video games. This time, we’ll do the opposite and put together a list of a few currently famous people, who deserve to have games made about them as soon as possible:
5. Chuck Norris
Duh! Right? We have somewhat covered Chuck before, but this (or any) list wouldn’t be complete without him. So, at the risk of pissing him off by not making this entry first, let’s go ahead and get the most obvious out of the way. It’s not like I need to tell anyone about this man but he is basically the most overpowered human being in existence. There is simply nothing the dude cannot do unrealistically well.
There is an endless list of popular Chuck Norris facts, like the fact that Chuck doesn’t ever fart because nothing escapes him. Ironically though, it’s the more verifiable ones that people usually don’t know, like the fact that Chuck won his first Professional Middleweight Karate tournament in 1968 and has not lost a single fight since, or the fact that his real name is not Chuck but Carlos Ray. Probably the least believable of them all though is the fact that there isn’t a long running video game series about this dude. It’s absolutely crazy because the possibilities are limitless!
He should have been in: Asura’s Wrath
Asura’s Wrath is a game where a regular-ish sized man fistfights things the size of the solar system. And wins. Sounds like just about the perfect Chuck Norris game, wouldn’t you say? Now, imagine something like Asura’s Wrath, only starring an American Kung Fu cowboy, who gets to execute all those popular Chuck Norris facts right on screen!
I say run with all the famous Chuck mythos and embrace the humor of it all, and we could really have something.
4. Nicolas Cage
How would one describe Nicolas Cage? It’s possible that it simply can’t be done, but I can tell you that he would do to your mind what Chuck Norris would do to your ass. Roger Ebert once wrote, “Cage has two speeds: intense and intenser.” If you’ve seen any Nic Cage movies, you’ll agree. We’re talking about a man who ate a live cockroach for a role, even though no one asked him to, a man who has done shrooms with his cat, a man whose hair defies all laws of physics and logic.
Like Norris, Cage is more than just an actor or a man, he is a mythological creature, whose only weakness is the bees.
He should have been in: LA Noire
Let’s be straight here, LA Noire is a great game but it could be a bit more fun. At times, it just tries so hard to be important and serious that it gets somewhat exhausting. There is simply no question that the game could use some Cage. Don’t get me wrong, I love searching for clues and having conversations with non-player characters as much as the next guy but only when it’s well written, well acted and involves some interesting characters, otherwise, what’s the damn point? Well, imagine a game like LA Noire, where the main protagonist isn’t just an eager cop but a real fucking character.
Just close your eyes and picture interrogations with Cage doing the questioning. We are on the same page now.
3. Alex Jones
Alex Jones is the guy who can take one look inside your sandwich and list about fifty ingredients that the government has put into it to give you the swine flu. He is the guy who shocked America, when he went on CNN to roar into Pierce Morgan’s face but did not kick him in the nuts (it’s the latter that was truly disturbing). He believes in guns, Texas, and a shit ton of conspiracies against his freedom to make angry rants.
Whether you share his opinions or not, you have to admit that he is either an incredibly good and dedicated actor or that he truly and passionately believes in his cause. Either way, he is rather entertaining.
He should have been in: Assassin’s Creed
I’m only guessing here but based on what I’ve heard from various people, most would say that the worst parts of Assassin’s Creed are the modern time sequences. Desmond is possibly the lamest person in his entire bloodline. If Altair or Ezio could see their descendant, they would have stabbed themselves right in the nuts with those hidden blades to avoid shame. I’d much rather they replaced him with someone a bit more interesting:
Everyone loves a conspiracy theory; so who wouldn’t want the series to stay grounded in real conspiracy theories, as described and evidenced by Alex Jones himself. The first game could almost grow into it, with the whole talk about the real historical figures that really lived and died in or around Jerusalem. They could have kept people intrigued by exploring what they started, instead of swerving into an alternative universe of sun people and… shit. I’m still confused.
Love him or hate him, you can’t deny that this man isn’t ordinary. Hell, I don’t even need to tell you the last name (thankfully, because I still can’t spell it), you probably know which Arnold I am referring to. Undoubtedly, you are thinking of the guy with 20-inch biceps and an Austrian accent, and an endless supply of immortal one-liners.
Sure, there have been hundreds of games about the countless Arnold’s characters but never Arnold himself. We’re talking about a man who once said: “I have a love interest in every one of my films – a gun.”
He should have been in: Call of Duty
One of the most action-packed games this generation that lacks in terms of a memorable protagonist iiiis Call of Duty. At least one of the million CoD games could use a colorful hero to provide some commentary to all the action, and nobody is better for the task than Arnold, the man responsible for all of the following:
The above video is pretty much my entire case. If you ask me, it really doesn’t even matter what ends up being the cause for the real Arnold to do all this killing, as long as he is in his action hero mode.
1. Les Stroud
Regardless of whether you prefer Les Stroud or Bear Grylls as your survivor hero, you have to admit that both of them are quite impressive. Fake or not, Bear does tend to suck the guts out of living adorable furries, before downing them with his own piss, and that’s more than most of us could ever do. Hell, he starts every show by jumping out of a plane, which is something I’d never do without a fight, personally.
Les is my choice here because the dude actually goes out on his own and relies purely on his encyclopedic knowledge of berries and the art of turning absolutely anything into a lighter, which could make for a truly unique gaming experience.
He should have been in: Man vs Wild: The Game
Oh yes, I forgot to mention that there is a Bear Grylls video game already and it totally blows. Man vs Wild: The Game could have started a whole new video game genre because there is a fresh idea there somewhere. It does send you (Bear) to a selection of harsh remote locations and challenges you to survive but the problem is that the ‘survival’ means fistfighting bugs and collecting adventure orbs or some shit. This is why nobody knows it exists.
Now, sure, a Survivorman video game could be just as bad but just imagine it done right. I’m not talking about Les Stroud charming snakes with his harmonica, Guitar Hero style; I’m talking about a very slow paced, meticulous survival simulator. That’s a fresh new series right there!
So, can you think of someone else? We’d love to know the reasons.