Video Game Astrology: 2013 – The Year of the Snake

Snake image by Jimmy_Joe

Happy New Year! The 2013 is finally upon us, along with a whole junk of potential bad omens. Indeed. For one, it will be the Chinese year of the black snake, and that has evil written all over it. Two, every Friday will be the 13th, as well as every single other day. Finally, 13/13/13 will fall on 1/13/14, which is the date of the old new year, according to the Gregorian calendar, and that is too much of a coincidence not to be the apocalypse.

Scary stuff, so now is a good time to consider the important things, like what the stars have in mind for 2013 when it comes to video games. Let’s get our shiny balls out and take a look:

Year of the… Snake?! Snaaaaake!!

My wizard hat is telling me that a couple of 2013 video game releases have you giggling like a nerd in a strip club, which you might actually be right now (wizard hat is not sure as it doesn’t get near nude women). Grand Theft Auto V, Bioshock Infinite, The Last of Us and a whole booty load of other big titles are coming soon, and most of us are either uber excited about that fact or we don’t give a shit, except when it comes to one of them.

Metal Gear Solid: Ground Zeroes got people talking quite a bit last year, with the very random and confusing first trailer, and then again, with the even more random and confusing trailer for Phantom Pain, whatever the hell that was. Without question, it all looks pretty, and luckily, the unfortunate mustache is now a thing of the past but nobody knows what to make of the game quite yet. Should we be excited or indifferent?

Big Boss is a Snake who knows a thing about facial hair.

Now, I have previously expressed my opinion that it’s time to put Senior Snake to rest, but I’m getting good vibes from Ground Zeroes, precisely because of all the recent weirdness. The confusion is a good sign! After the somewhat somber (by MGS standards) MGS4 and Peace Walker, Kojima seems to be back to his cheeky self. At least so far, things feel actually fresh, like the gang is having fun again.

And the stars agree. Ground Zeroes coming in the year of the Snake is good news. I’m not even looking up at the fucking stars right now, that’s just how that shit works. 2012 was the year of the dragon and right before it started, we received Skyrim (let’s face it, we all spent a good chunk of 2012 playing it), and then Dragon’s Dogma, Sleeping Dogs and Witcher 2: Enhanced Edition followed in 2012. At the very least, they were all good dragon-related games, which bodes well for everything Snake-related in 2013. Metal Gear Solid is likely to be something special this year and considering that it is Metal Gear fucking Solid, that’s quite a thing.

Next Gen Hardware

If the next gen hardware from Microsoft or Sony (or both) doesn’t make its’ presence known this year, the stars predict blood (my interpretation of “some bodily fluids”). The gaming world expects someone to say something big at the upcoming E3, and I don’t mean “get ready for Kinect Star Wars 2.”  Those words might make it the year when gamers finally rush that stage and grind some testies into a pool of Nutella. We expect nothing less than new hardware, and we hope to all that is holy that it isn’t this:

“Use buttons or pretend to!” Kinect 2

Will the two follow Nintendo’s lead and put out a couple of not-so-powerful machines with screens on their controllers? Will they introduce Kinect/Move 2.0 and call it a day? Some suspect that these next consoles will bring Ultra HD gaming (4k resolution), which is basically having your eyelids peeled off and getting your pupils blasted with rainbow lasers. I’d bet my Domino’s Gift Card (yes, someone did that to me) that the former is a lot more likely but let’s consult the stars.

The stars paint a bleak picture by claiming that “Saturn has a strong influence during the year of the Snake.” I really fucking hope that they are talking about the planet here and not this:


You can actually hear the Darth Vader breath, just looking at it.

Apparently, you can also never tell what you’ll get with snakes. “If it wants to move forward, its body undulates and it’s not easy to tell which direction it is going to go in… It will seem to go in one direction, and then, very unexpectedly, it will veer in completely another direction.” Boy, does that sound shitty. That first part seems to already be happening with Wii U. Nobody knew what the fuck to make of that console for awhile and now, well, nobody knows still. The absolute worst thing that can happen is that we are all left scratching our heads come E3 2013. No! Blow us away dammit!


Next Gen Games


It’s widely rumored that the new console(s) will launch around the holiday season of 2013. It means that some software needs to be ready to go. And that’s what actually really matters, isn’t it? I don’t know about you but I don’t really care if the new consoles run on coal and live hamsters as long as the games are good.

Well, consider the fact that there have been some cases of current gen games, like Rainbow 6: Patriots, reportedly getting pushed to the next generation and the fact that the Halo 4 tech is supposedly next-gen ready. Could this mean that the generation leap is somewhat insignificant? Are we dealing with nothing more than upping the resolution here?

Pretty but familiar.

While Star Wars 1313 (above image) looks quite pretty by every standard, it seems to me like the same old cover-based shooter that looks amazing because it’s running on a $2500 PC, and considering that the modern PC is reportedly a generation ahead of current consoles, there is a slim chance of us getting anything more. 

The stars are thinking we might be unimpressed this year. “During the 2013 Snake year be prepared to feel like you are on shaky ground. Not quite settled,” they claim, so it looks like the new stuff isn’t going to blow us away, and make us eager to pick these new machines up, as is the case with Wii U right now. Man, do the stars know how to shit on someone’s parade!

In conclusion, buy those upcoming current gen games! Who knows when something that exciting will come again. And if all of the above is wrong then be happy and blame the stars, not me.

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