10 Movies That Must Get Video Games (Part 2)

Back to Part 1. Part 2:

5. Brotherhood of the Wolf

Directed by Christophe Gans, who did the Silent Hill movie, this is one of the better known French action films that you can probably find easier than a working Blockbuster, these days. The story is basically The Hound of the Baskervilles, with a mix of Sleepy Hollow, only it takes place in the 1764 France, which unfortunately means that everyone is wearing those dorky triangular hats, called ‘the tricorne’, but don’t you worry because they can do this, while wearing them:

They were as surprised as I was.

Crazy enough for ya? Well, that’s not the craziest thing about this movie, because that character up there, played by Mark Dacascos, is supposed to be a Kung Fu Indian, who defies every law of sense and physics with sheer badassery:


Having the cool Sherlock Holmes’y vibe and setup, this movie qualifies for a kick-ass video game adaptation already, but in between all the talking, Mark also demonstrates an impossible proficiency in a martial art called Thong Fu:

I’m so very sorry.

Seriously though, the action on display is straight out of the Matrix, only quite obviously performed by people who have studied it longer than a few months and know what the fuck they’re doing. You’ve got hand-to-hand combat, melee weapons of various sorts, flintlocks, and things I cannot even name for the fear of providing spoilers (but mostly because I don’t know what they’re even called). And as is the case with The 13th Warrior, there is a very cool tone to this movie, with intriguing secrets that beg investigating.

And there is shit to investigate.

It also doesn’t hurt that the production values are absolutely top notch. The CGI is certainly rough around the edges but the costume and set work is absolutely fantastic.

Also, Monica Bellucci.

I would absolutely love to play a game like this. You have an intriguing mystery, a both eerie and beautiful location, a very video game-y action and secrets to uncover through some dialogue and other role playing shenanigans. What is a bizarre and somewhat stupid (but fun!) movie could actually be a pretty damn kick ass game.


4. Equilibrium

Equilibrium is a film, where Christian Bale dresses up like Neo for the purpose of pistol-whipping the shit out of a tyrannical government, who hates puppies and will incinerate your ass for… uh… feeling things. Yeah, it’s a bit retarded (but only a bit!) but a video game needs to happen, if only for one obvious reason:


Gun Kata! It’s the martial art used in the movie that involves pistols. Basically, it looks hilarious and is a bitch to explain but the idea is that there is a set of ‘kung fu’ moves that can predict and counter enemy behavior. The thing is like watching a take on Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake, where a very coked up ballet dancer plays a dual-wielding hunter. Yes, it’s that fucking epic!

Also, this happens.

Regardless of how you feel about this concept, I have to be honest with you, I’d absolutely fucking love to do Gun Kata in a video game. The action is fast, fluid and just bizarre enough to make for some pretty unique gameplay. Just imagine dueling someone by evading and blocking their pistol, while trying to land a bullet of your own, in close-quarter-combat! If you haven’t seen the movie, you can’t, but you have to admit that you’d like to.

At the very least, it would be interesting to have some fast, skill-based system for clearing rooms full of enemies, other than our old and tired slow motion meter or Gears of War-type cover mechanic.

And there is an endless supply of faceless enemies to kill.

But as fun as that sounds, you wouldn’t even have to do endless shooting throughout an Equilibrium game. The movie features some pretty slick-looking hand-to-hand combat, too. You can flip those pistols around and use them as hammers that seem to generate some powerful shocks to shatter the most futuristic of cop helmets, like they’re Christmas tree ornaments:

Guys in leather. When will they ever learn?

But wait! There is more! You are probably thinking that there is no way in hell that there is yet another awesome martial art in the movie… Well, you couldn’t be more wrong!

I could tell you why the sword fighting is brutal but I won’t spoil it for you.

Equilibrium is the full package and could be a rather unique action game that could have a lot more going for it than the style or the setting. And you know what? The setting does actually have something going for it. I mean, emotions… man. What’s up with them?


3. Battle Royale

I realize that the Hunger Games is probably more popular in the West, but I haven’t seen it, nor do I really want to… so Battle Royale! Also, yes, I am aware that this is also based on a book but being a huge Takeshi Kitano fan, I say “who the fuck cares?”

Oh, and if someone has not figured this out yet, this isn’t the cute PS3 game titles Battle Royale; this is an unrelated movie.

See? Nothing cute here.

The plot is that of your average Japanese family film: a bunch of unruly kids get sent out on an island, where they have to murder each other. Basically, the entire concept of the movie is a free-for-all deathmatch multiplayer, starring kids (i.e. any modern deathmatch multiplayer). That makes it absolutely perfect for a game adaptation but doesn’t exactly make it unique in any way. Well, hear me out… How about a DayZ type MMO, where you get to actually explore an entire island, trying to survive, and scavenge up some supplies and weapons, before attempting to fight? Getting warmer now?

Hehe. Noobs don’t know where the machine gun is at.

I don’t know how feasible it would be, in terms of keeping servers exclusive just for a group of people till the game is over, but assuming that it is, how about a game where you play a deathmatch round for days (have to put in a certain amount of time each day or your tamagotchi dies, for instance) and going out of your way to avoid other players for awhile. How about sparking temporary partnerships to improve your chances?

“What? I’m not hiding anything, bro.”

It would be pretty cool, knowing that sooner or later, one of you will have to off the other, perhaps hoping that someone else does it, so you won’t have to. Or perhaps you could spark a bit of a cyber romance…

“Come on! I’ll save you! a/s/l btw?”

…one that is destined to end like so:

“Aww, thanks, sweety!”

Sure, we live in a world where this would be difficult to pull off, thanks to all the abusive asshole hackers and the like, but what if…

2. Bollywood Movie Game

I am both excited and worried for the day when video games become so easy to develop that Bollywood gets in on that shit. I’m worried because they have been making about 1000 movies a year, since they discovered film. I am excited because their moto seems to be “if you can think it, it’s not stupid.”

Now, pretty much every country produces hilariously bad movies and that includes USA, big time, but there seems to be a special style that no one else can put on screen just as well as India and that is a genuine compliment. Well, when that style is wrapped around their balls-to-the-wall action flicks, that shit is worthy of its’ own video game genre and someone better get on it before they start stamping those out  by the hundreds.

The number one reason why a Bollywood style action game needs to happen fast is that we will finally get a protagonist with a worthy mustache. Another reason is that, well, anything goes there. I mean, cars can just up and do this:

No ramp, just pure stache.

That’s how real men get over obstacles in a car, but look closer… There is man doing something even more impressive with a horse:

He’s sliding the fucker under a moving truck!

That must be a low budget flick because in this movie, a dude can slide on a fucking dude:

Technically, he’s a cyborg but it makes no difference.

I mean, in Indian movies, a regular guy can flip a car over himself and pull the bad guy out through the window so…

…while still pointing a gun at him!

The only thing that separates human Indian action heroes from cyborgs is the ability to do this:

Imagine how this looked in the script: “… the giant robot, made of the little robots, gives the camera a thumbs up, its’ thumb being a little robot, who gives its’ own thumbs up to the camera.”

Someone read that and gave the idea a green light, thinking “this is something we should spend effort and money achieving,” and that’s the attitude we would want in a video game based on this stuff.

1. Walker, Texas Ranger

Sure, technically, this is not a movie but this is Chuck Norris we’re talking about so rules are about as useful here as an electric shaver. Whether we want to or not, this entry qualifies.

Now, you may not know that his real name is not Chuck but Carlos, but I’ll be saying nothing new by pointing out that there is a disturbing lack games about this man. Seriously, all jokes aside, how is this even possible, considering his level and kind of notoriety?

And sure, you might be thinking that this series is not the ideal source material for a man, who climbs Mount Everest by telling it to “come’re”, as he has to tone things down to resemble a realistic cop, despite the fact that even his slowed down and fake punches sound like they produce a sonic boom each and every time, but hear me out. I’m talking about a video game series here, not unlike the Walking Dead, about a badass cop, doing his job, kicking ass, camp and all.

Yes, there are many shows like this but not one stars anyone who can kick ass quite like Chuck:

Here, you see a couple of scumbags sneaking up on him.

Naturally, they get owned but one of them gets an elbow to the nose.

The nose is busted to shit so Chuck fixes it…

…and breaks it again!!!!!!!!!!!

‘Death’ doesn’t even begin to describe it.

You see, Chuck Norris is the ultimate good guy/badass, who we can both root for and with whom, we can feel like we have an immeasurable power under our fingertips. Most of you might suspect that I’m having a laugh but think about this. There are no games that allow us to sheriff a small town and if done right, this could be epic!

And you fucking know, it will get done right.

One comment on “10 Movies That Must Get Video Games (Part 2)

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